Madworld: The Simpsons Arcade Sequel

Gameplay: Brutally Awesome
Graphics: Black, White & Red.
Sound: As fun and nauseating as the world’s greatest roller coaster.
Length and Replayability: If it were any longer, you wouldn’t be able to handle it.

There, you got your review. Now I’m going to talk about the game.

Before playing Madworld, I expected a throwback to the old arcade brawlers of Final Fight and Double Dragon. Now that I have played through the game, I realize that Madworld is more like that old Simpsons arcade game with a dash of sadistic style sprinkled on top.

In The Simpsons arcade game, you would wander through side-scrolling levels while performing beat-downs countless enemies with the plethora of weapons you would find along your journey. Killing a man with a skateboard or a lead pipe was the cool thing to do back in the day, but Madworld has updated the Simpson arsenal to reflect a more modern blood thirst with chainsaws, piranhas, jet turbines, and spiky objects. Even the after level challenges of the Simpsons arcade game ( does pumping up a Krusty The Clown hot air-balloon ring any bells for ya? ) have been reimagined into the deliciously deadly Bloodbath Challenges.

I spent many quarters fighting through the streets of Springfield, USA. Every time I enter an arcade I search for the off-blue console decorated with the Simpsons family and doughnuts, but it’s been years since I’ve seen it last. Madworld has fulfilled that desire, because it is The Simpsons arcade game placed in a world that is half Sin City and half Mad Max.

Jack (the guy you kill things with) is the ultimate crowd-pleaser. Little else is more satisfying than ripping men to pieces and turning them into a bloody batter while your friends sit around you and throw out constant ooohs and aahhhs. It’s not that they are awestruck by an amazing game, it’s that they are flabbergasted at the amount of gore and punishment you are able to achieve. Their dynamic responses are targeted at what you, the gamer, can accomplish. By playing Jack, you grab center stage and become a performer– whipping out as many wicked and vicious attacks as you can before you finally take the life of another deserving victim, and you do it all for the crowd.

Not that it’s all about entertaining the viewers, there is plenty of excitement for the gamer to take part in as well. The cold-blooded killing never gets tiresome ( I actually severed my Wiimote and Nunchuk connection once while trying to perform a gesture that would have eviscerated a two-tone lackey with a gigantic pair of blades), the bosses and mini-bosses are terrifying and tough, and I know that there are so many areas and weapons I missed on my first play-through that I’m going to have to play it again just to try them out.

All the little stuff is great, by the way. The Wiimote gestures aren’t gimmicky at all; they’re reserved for only the most extreme violence and work very well. The voices are done by the guy that voiced Bender on Futurama, that one guy with the glasses from Who’s Line is it Anyway? (not Drew Carey, the other one), and the rest are all very stylistic and fit well within their world.

Other than that, I really don’t know what to tell ya. It’s a game that really needs to be played to be understood. Videos and reviews really don’t do it justice, you need to play the game in front of a bunch of friends to get the most out of it.

I’m actually going to turn on my Wii right now and play some more Man Darts, I just can’t get that challenge down yet. Wish me luck!

Sam & Max Roam the 360 for Deliquents to Pummel

Telltale Inc. further expands their Xbox Live Arcade arsenal with the lovable and wacky Sam & Max game series.

Dog with hat and manic rabbit-thing are appearing for the first time on Xbox Live Arcade with the first two “seasons” of Sam & Max being released simultaneously. Both games will be released as full-season bundles, jam-packed with otherworldly mysteries to be solved and ass-kickery to be had.

Season One, which takes the duo to the US Capital and the moon as they follow the tracks of a hypnotic adversary, will be tagged Sam & Max Save the World. Season Two, which involves time paradoxes and bizarre aliens, has been dubbed Sam & Max Beyond Time and Space.

“With Sam & Max coming to Xbox LIVE Arcade and the approaching retail launch, we’re reaching a larger audience than we ever have before,” says Telltale CEO Dan Connors. “These new releases give us an opportunity to better communicate the imaginative stories that make the Sam & Max games so special, and to strengthen the unique identity of each season.”

We’ve seen Sam & Max featured in video games, comics, an animated TV series, and featured in a web comic. The six-foot dog and sawtooth-grin rabbit have traversed the different mediums in their quest to clean up society’s trashiest villains and right the wrongs that have been committed. Their journey to the 360 is just another step towards world domination.

The second Sam & Max season has received praise from IGN and PC Gamer as best adventure game of the year and has received several awards for best comedy writing, best gameplay and more. The second season will soon be seeing release on PC and Wii’s Virtual Console as well.

“Hello? Yes, Commissioner! Yes?… Yes?… Yes?.. Holy jumping mother o’God in a side-car with chocolate jimmies and a lobster bib! WE’RE ON OUR WAY!”

— Sam of Sam & Max, the Freelance Police

Wii Gets Mature in 2009

The Wii had so much promise when we first saw it in stores. The possibilities were exciting and a few amazing games gave us hope for a bright future. Sadly, what we have seen is an exorbitant amount of crappy party games and family-oriented software. The hardcore games were few and far between; the mature games were almost nonexistent.

I believe our cries have finally been heard, our calls have been answered. Not only are there a good number hardcore games being released this year that anybody can play (Muramasa: The Demon Blade, Arc Rise Fantasia), but there are some great mature games coming out as well. Below I have highlighted a number of these mature games, though I’m sure I’ve forgotten some. Feel free to mention any I missed in a comment below!

Mature Wii Games for 2009

Dead Rising: Chop Til You Drop
Release Date: February 24, 2009

Nobody expected to see this graphics-heavy zombie slasher franchise make its way to the Wii, but it is a welcome surprise. The Wii game probably won’t be seeing hundreds of on-screen zombies at once like the 360 installment, but Capcom promises to deliver a spectacular and bloody adventure for the Wii via the Resident Evil 4 engine. The Wii-Mote IR control will give gamers the opportunity to blast zombie brains with pixel-perfect precision, letting you live out your zombie apocalypse fantasies with even greater realism.

Madworld
Release Date: March 10, 2009

You’ve probably heard about Madworld by now, it’s been one of the most talked about Wii games the past few months. This murderfest is the answer to your savage cravings of mayhem, brutality, and gore. The game is presented in a Sin City-esque black and white style, littered with spiked objects and sharp edges. Players take control of Jack, a relentless mandman anti-hero (Marv?), who must kill all other contestants in a game show called Death Watch. This game is a must buy if any of the following sounds appealing to you: tearing through body after body with a chainsaw, impaling people upon a wall of spikes, stabbing a street sign through someone’s head, or ripping a person limb from limb with your bare hands.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
Release Date: TBA 2009

World at War was released last year and it received some pretty good reviews. Modern Warfare 2 looks to improve upon the gameplay mechanics and take a step forward in the graphics and audio departments. We all know how CoD games work by now, so I don’t feel it necessary to dive into what the game is (you’re in a war). Previous online and extra feature offerings have been lacking on the Wii versions of CoD games, but this year I am anticipating a solid and well-rounded effort that will be on par with the PS3 and 360 as far as extras and features are concerned.

The Conduit
Release Date: June 2009

This is going to be your favorite Wii game of the year (if you believe the hype). High Voltage Software and SEGA are bringing an exclusive first-person shooter that is promised by many to trump all other Wii FPS attempts thus far. With a system that is so perfectly made for FPS titles, the Wii has been seriously lacking. The futuristic world of The Conduit presents some of the best graphics yet to be seen on the Wii and tight control mechanics to go with it. The shooting controls are reportedly the best ever seen on the Wii and the game contains a rich online experience that is complemented by WiiSpeak. You’ll be blasting through the alien forces that are invading Washington D.C. in supreme quality and style.

The House of the Dead: Overkill
Release Date: February 10, 2009

Overkill will give you an experience like no other on the Wii. The mature story and over-the-top language is enough to leave grandma crying in the corner, but the thousands of mutilated zombies, creepy locales, and abominable bosses take you back to the time when killing zombies meant getting your face melted off in horror and disgust. There are a wealth of extra modes that extend the replayability of the game and a crapload of weapons that will truly make you feel like a badass as you mow down those ugly brain-suckers.

Red Steel 2
Release Date: TBA 2009

Okay, so the first Red Steel wasn’t all that great. Ubisoft has had a couple of years to figure out the Wii and have the capability to bring Wii owners a much more solid offering this time around. The game will utilize the Wii MotionPlus for 1:1 swordplay precision and a few other things. The presentation of the first game is still pretty good compared to even recent Wii titles and will be further refined for the new installment to the series. If you are unfamiliar with Red Steel, it is an FPS that shares guns and swords. You can pop-a-cap in your enemy’s ass or slice it off, your choice. I’ve got some high hopes for RS2.

Sin & Punishment 2
Release Date: TBA 2009

Sin & Punishment was developed on the N64 and was never released in the US. The hardcore crowd demanded the game for years, and Nintendo finally released it for everyone to experience on Wii’s Virtual Console. Developer Treasure and publisher Nintendo are now bringing us a sequel to the fast-paced shooter. The game may not have the most realistic graphics or be ultra bloody, but the storyline is very mature. If you haven’t played the original yet, you need to. You’re going to want this game.

Overlord: Dark Legend
Release Date: TBA 2009

Codemasters and Climax Studios are bringing an all new exclusive Overlord game to the Wii. This is your chance to be evil, Wii owners. You’ll get to control a limitless arsenal of little minions that will do your every bidding as you build up your reputation as an evil tyrant. You’ll be destroying lives and demolishing homes in your quest to become supreme ruler of all that you are cruel enough to handle. Spread fear and gain power with the Wii-Mote in your hand and little minions at your side.

Cursed Mountain
Release Date: Q2 2009

This survival horror game entrenches you in the mystery and serenity of the Himalayas. You take control of a mountain climber who is searching for his lost brother somewhere in the frigid, white mountains. Supernatural beings and events scourge the landscape and torment you throughout your quest. Things don’t look too good for your lost brother as this otherworldly infestation turns for the worst and blankets the mountain tops, villages, and lost ruins in a sea of death and decay.

Dead Space Extraction
Release Date: Q3 2009

Extraction is a prequel to the sci-fi survival horror game that hit big on the PC, PS3, and 360. Mutated monsters will be wreaking havoc and EA promises that this Wii entry will be every bit as bloody and gory as the last Dead Space game. The title was built from the ground up to take full advantage of the Wii hardware and controls. EA says that the innovative motion control they implemented will create a new action-packed horror experience that you’ve never been a part of before. The game features a co-op mode so you can blast away with a friend. Core gameplay mechanics remain the same; you’ll be focusing on strategic dismemberment and skillful shots as well as utilizing telekinesis and more. The Dead Space series should see a warm welcome on the Wii.

No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle
Release Date: TBA 2009/2010

The original No More Heroes is an extremely violent game that put you in a highly stylized world that was both unique and a little clunky. The game was packed with humor, style, and blood. No More Heroes 2 will offer no less and should fix some of the overworld issues that the original installment had. In the original game you took control of Travis Touchdown (a lethal assassin wielding a lightsaber) and killed other assassins for money and pride. NMH2 will take on a more serious revenge story this time around, yet will retain its sense of humor.

—

Here’s to a bloody fun 2009!

10 Songs Rock Band Needs to Get, and Get Rid Of

Taste in music is always a touchy subject. What is a masterpiece to one man is often nothing more than another man’s vile ear-garbage. What I like, you might find worth listening to only as a bizarre form of self-flagellation, bringing yourself to let its slimy, musical tendrils into your ear-holes exclusively as a form of punishment for some mortal sin.

Nonetheless, there are songs that one can imagine are just objectively bad; songs that have literally reached the maximum level of crappyness (that level is somewhere around one Air Supply, I believe) and cannot be considered by any rational human to be any good. No enjoyment can be gotten from these songs, because they have been proven by science to be perfect examples of audio despair, which no person should have the displeasure of experiencing.

Likewise, no person should ever have to simulate the playing of such terrible songs in a video game format; forcing someone to merely listen to bad music is cruel, but forcing one to actively engage in the execution of bad music is an act that may actually destroy an important part of that person’s soul.

With the news that Harmonix has made the somewhat insane decision to release another Grateful Dead song pack tomorrow, with six whole, meandering, pointless, hippie anthems to absent-mindedly sway back and forth to, it seems fitting to go over what songs should be in Rock Band, and which ones have no place being anywhere near any person’s XBox, Playstation, CD player, iPod, 8-track, gramophone record player, or any other physical music medium for that matter.

So join me for the 10 songs that Rock Band needs to get, and get rid of!

SONGS ROCK BAND NEEDS TO GET RID OF:

I know, you can’t actually get rid of songs from Rock Band, mainly because they are written permanently onto the disc via some sort “burning” process.

So we’ll just look at this list as a lesson for future generations. The soul-searing pain we have felt as a result of having to listen to and mock-perform these songs will be our gift to those people down the line who will never have to sing lyrics like “because it’s nice in the afternoon” again. We are taking a rock and roll bullet to the audio processing portions of our brains, so that generations to come will not have to do the same.

Or you could just be selfish and try to literally scratch these songs from the surface of the disc, as I have tried many times.

Panic at the Disco – Nine in the Afternoon

Forget for a moment that the afternoon does not extend until nine o’clock, and in fact turns into something called “night time” several hours before nine. Forget for a moment that this song’s lyrics border on being nonsense due to the redundancy and blatant obviousness of their subject matter. You could, ’cause you can, so you do? I have absolutely no idea how you managed to use so many words there.

Finally, try to forget that this song is like an inescapable specter, haunting every appliance you own, including your TV, radio, and even your copy of NHL 09, a game that should by all rights be as Panic at the Disco-less as possible.

Even if you manage to forget all of these things, you will not be able to escape the fact that this song is the audio equivalent of a massive worldwide recession wrapped in a pink bow: it is the cheeriest looking thing to make you want to kill yourself in the last year.

Interpol – PDA

When you think about rock and roll, what words come to mind? If boring, repetitive, incredibly long-winded, and no redeeming qualities are the first things you think of, then Interpol’s PDA is for you.

But if you are not insane, then this song will make you wish you could build a Rock Band-playing machine to automatically perform it for you while you sit in a sound-proof room, preferably thousands of miles away.

Duran Duran – Hungry Like the Wolf

When did the 80s become cool again? In the 90s all anyone ever did was make fun of the 80s. It was basically a full time profession back then. And the reason everyone made fun of the 80s in the 90s was because everything in the 80s sucked really really bad.

Duran Duran is no exception. It’s just that Hungry Like the Wolf is one of those songs that has somehow permanently burrowed itself into the soft, fleshy mass of our collective consciousness, where it resides to this day. Once inside it released its alien pheromones, modifying the chemical balance of our brains so that its horrible true nature was hidden from us, making us think it was actually a good song.

But you can’t trick me, Duran Duran. I know this because every time I have to play this song I have the sudden urge to shove a screwdriver up my nose into my frontal lobe, proving that your vile demon-larva are lodged in all of our craniums, just waiting to be reamed out with hand tools.

Ratt – Round and Round

Seriously? Ratt?

I mean, are you kidding me?

If Winger ends up in Rock Band 3, please shoot me in the face.

Miranda Cosgrove – Headphones On

Okay, this is actually a download, so its not necessarily part of Rock Band. But it is a free download, which means there is a very high percentage likelihood that you will download it because its free, and why the hell shouldn’t I download it when its free? How much could that hurt?

Oh it can hurt, in so many ways. I made the mistake of downloading this song, and I repeatedly punch myself in the face every day as punishment for my folly. If you enjoy the current state of your face, in which it isn’t being punched by your own furiously clenched fist all the time, then don’t download this song.

Sonic Youth – Teen Age Riot

Maybe I’m just prejudiced against Sonic Youth because of how much I hate them for needing three guitar players to make every one of their songs sound like a mess, but this song should not exist in Rock Band. “Noise rock” is pretty much the least fun sounding genre imaginable, and playing this song in Rock Band proves it.

Rob the Prez-O-Dent – That Handsome Devil

File this song under Makes Absolutely No Sense. The production of it is such that you can’t actually hear what’s happening. I have no real problem with that; some of my favourite bands have recordings that sound like crap. Its just that when I’m trying to play a video game version of a song, sometimes it helps to be able to tell what the hell is going on.

Add to that the fact that some of the drum parts you have to play in it are essentially just a jumble of coloured bars mashed next to each other, and this song basically turns into a screwed up game of Simon with a bad soundtrack, interspersed with random gun shot sound effects.

Linkin Park – One Step Closer

I don’t know why they called it “nu” metal, cause playing this song is getting pretty old! Haha.

God I want to kill myself.

Abnormality – Visions

I know, I know. Death metal (or black metal, or doom metal, or sludge or goop or crud or gunk metal or whatever the hell it’s called) bands have a lot of technical skill. They use weird time signatures like 15/Pi, play at tempos in excess of nine million beats per second, and are known to breathe fire on innocent civilians when they’re not playing at shows attended entirely by other bands.

That’s all well and good. I get it. But please don’t make me play their songs in Rock Band. Their riffs were not made for normal human appendages, my plastic guitar controller probably can’t even register notes as fast as these guys are playing them, and this song has all the musicality of the dying groans of a goat being crushed by a flaming boulder. That unique sound only means “party” for people who wear white makeup all the time and use real sheep heads as stage props.

Every Bonus Song -  All of Them

We know that you guys at Harmonix are, like, real musicians and everything. We appreciate it, a lot. Your musical experience lends the game a very authentic feel, we are glad you know what you’re doing, etc. etc.

But that having been said, we have to tell you something: your friends’ bands are kind of a downer.

They always show up at our parties and get really drunk and start talking too loud and then get in the way when we just want to play songs that we actually like, and it gets really annoying.

I mean, it’s gotten to the point where I intentionally avoided downloading the 20 extra songs for Rock Band 2, even though they were free, because I didn’t want to dilute my song selection with their incredible mediocrity.

Oh, and don’t try to sneak your friends into the next party by taking away their “bonus” tags like you did in Rock Band 2; we know which ones they are (they’re the ones that suck that we’ve never heard before) and we’ll have a door man waiting. You’ll thank us when you give in to peer pressure and are too cool to even look them in the eye any more.

SONGS ROCK BAND NEEDS TO GET:

It’s nearly impossible to whittle this selection down to ten songs, to the point that even choosing seems almost blasphemous, but what must be done must be done, in the name of Rock and Roll.

Led Zeppelin – Immigrant Song

The game is called Rock Band, yet Led Zeppelin is not in it. This is essentially a logical contradiction in its most fundamental form. It is like explaining to someone that 2 plus 2 equals 4, then asking them to tell you what 2 plus 2 equals, and when they tell you “It is 4,” you punch them in the throat with a pair of brass knuckles.

I’m sure there’s some petty legal reason why Led Zeppelin hasn’t graced the Rock Band disc yet. But if you are reading this, Jimmy Page (which you are definitely not) then know this: putting your songs in Rock Band can never do as much damage to your reputation or credibility or any other aspect of your career as did the raping of Kashmir called “Come With Me” featuring Mr. Sean P Puffy Diddy Daddy Combs himself.

Dio – Holy Diver

Okay, I take back what I said about the 80s; everything except Dio (and all the other songs in this list that were released in the 80s) sucked. Three important facts to know about Ronnie James Dio: 1) He pioneered the use of the devil horns as a uniquely metal form of non-verbal communication, 2) He played the role of a rock and roll God in the Tenacious D movie, which required no actual acting on his part, and 3) He has rocked like freaking mad for every minute of every day of his entire life.

In fact, the entire Holy Diver album should be made available for download.

Ozzy Osbourne – Crazy Train

Hey Rock Band, guess what? Guitar Hero: World Tour has this song, and you don’t.

By not having it in Rock Band you are literally urinating all over Randy Rhoads’ long-dead, plane-crashy corpse.

Green Day – Basket Case

You can love them or hate them, but it is undeniable that Green Day is one of the biggest bands in the world.

Their absence from Rock Band is strange, to say the least. Even Metallica (who at one point sued everyone on the planet for thinking about downloading Napster to maybe download copies of Metallica songs) are in Rock Band and are even being featured in their own game, so there’s really no legal reason why you shouldn’t be, Green Day. Get on it.

The Band – The Weight (or Cripple Creek, or really anything by them, because everything they did is fantastic)

If you’re going to put country music in the game, why not try putting in country-influenced bands that aren’t marketed towards people who think that Reagan’s trickle-down economic plan is fantastic, follow a policy of carrying one gun per article of clothing during hunting season, and actually think Brad Paisley is good?

Queen – Another One Bites the Dust

While Bohemian Rhapsody may well be one of the most rocking songs of all time, I decided against it because the game is called Rock Band, not Epic 10 Minute Piano Song Game.

Another One Bites the Dust is recognizable, rocking, and full of killer riffs and awesomeness, making it perfect for Rock Band.

(PS: No AIDS jokes will be made in this article.)

Van Halen – Hot for Teacher

Hey Rock Band, guess what? Guitar Hero: World Tour has this song, and you don’t.

By not having it in Rock Band you are literally urinating all over Eddie Van Halen’s crazy, double-tapping, soon-to-be-dead-of-cancer-or-alcoholism-or-something corpse.

Guns N’ Roses – Paradise City

While we’re on the other games have this song so why don’t you train of thought, let’s hit up some GnR. Burnout Paradise, a game about cars or heroin withdrawal or something, has this song in it, but all Rock Band could get was a song from the Axl Rose and Some Other Guys edition of Guns N’ Roses?

Shame on you Rock Band.

(And yes I know one of those other guys was Bucket Head. Please don’t send any letters.)

Jimi Hendrix – All Along the Watchtower

There is a surprising lack of Jimi Hendrix in Rock Band, which is, frankly, inexplicable.

Simply put, All Along the Watchtower is chock full of riffs and drum beats and notes and other rock and roll stuff that would be incredibly fun to pretend-play. Plus it would do double duty by getting more Bob Dylan into the game.

(Note: Make sure to open all your windows before setting your controller on fire, as plastic fumes can cause all sorts of rock and roll-inhibiting ailments.)

Thin Lizzy – The Boys are Back in Town

There are plenty of fantastic Thin Lizzy songs that would absolutely kill in Rock Band, but I went for the easy one, because everyone already knows it, whether or not they know that they know it.

The problem is that very few people know who actually wrote it, nor do they know that Thin Lizzy was one of the best rock bands of the 70s, nor do they know that there is a life-size bronze statue of the lead singer Phil Lynott in Dublin Ireland.

If having a bronze statue of yourself is not rock and roll enough to get you into Rock Band, then I have no idea what is.

And that concludes the list! I hope I have done a service to those of you who have yet to play all the songs in Rock Band, and cherish the integrity of your ears.

(Commence rabid, vitriolic insult-throwing about other people’s musical taste… now.)

Interview with Best Buy Blueshirt and Geek Squad Agent

I was glad to get the opportunity to interview the professionals at Best Buy about gifts for the holiday season. I suppose I could write about the experience, but personally, I think you should just watch the video of it below. In case you don’t have the 20 minutes to spare, here are the highlights.

First of all, the biggest gadgets this year are the video game systems, GPS units, digital cameras, digital frames, web-cams, and photo-printers.

When I asked about video game systems, I was not surprised when they told me that the Nintendo Wii is hard to keep in stock. PS3 is also popular since many people want Blu-ray for their home theaters.

Speaking of Blu-ray, I asked if the resolution of the format wars this year affected sales of the X-box 360. Oddly enough, it does not, because X-box 360 has the ability to download HD-quality movies. I feel sort of silly for not knowing that.

Video games that Best Buy has to stock daily are the WiiFit, Fallout 3, Left 4 Dead, Resistance, Madden, NBA 2K, Guitar Hero, and Rock Band 2.

I asked the Best Buy guys what GPS devices that they would recommend, and they didn’t really give me any particular brand. They discussed that Garmin and TomTom are the big brands, and you can hear about the technical differences as to why some GPS devices are more expensive than others.

I also talked to them about digital cameras, and what makes Sony different from others. They talked about why Casio is getting popular, especially amongst YouTubers. Since I’ve tried out the Nikon, I had to bring up the COOLPIX and its ability to take a shot and email it.

My interviewees also told me that Home Theater is beginning to take off, and Blu-ray is slowly gaining popularity. The Vudu allows you to get Blu-Ray quality movies. Best Buy also recommended their in-home consultation services for setting up a home theatre.

By the way, since I had someone from Geek Squad on the phone, there was a question I had to ask: If Geek Squad and the Nerd Heard from TV’s Chuck ever got into a fight, who would win? Find out the answer in the video.

[googlevideo]http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6297291551207338808[/googlevideo]

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