With the news that UC Berkely has gone completely insane and is offering course credit for having StarCraft LAN parties and eating Cheetos, it seems worthwhile to look at what other games would make good university classes.
So join me for 8 games that should be the subject of university classes!
CALL OF DUTY 4
Syllabus: Call of Duty 4 101 is a study of many interesting phenomenon in Call of Duty 4, such as: complaining about how much your team sucks, complaining about how cheap the other team is, voting to skip every map that isn’t Shipment, complaining about how much the maps that aren’t Shipment suck, complaining about every weapon you are killed by even if it’s a Skorpion, and watching your teammates die so you can figure out the position of the enemy and get the experience from the kills so you can reach another completely pointless prestige rank.
Essays must be typed, double spaced, and printed in 12 point Times New Roman font.
Teacher: A frat guy who only uses a golden AK (because it’s “pimp”) and leaves his headset mic on while he talks to people who are in the same room as him.
Evaluation: Students will be graded on their ability to get 19 kills in a row with a helicopter while hiding in some place that is only accessible through weird jumping exploits, all while completely ignoring the fact that the other team has every capture point.
The student showed an enthusiasm for the subject matter, but had difficulty with basic class material such as stabbing people. Hand writing nearly illegible, most likely due to the amount of time spent playing Call of Duty instead of writing important essays.
Syllabus: This course will focus on many of the important skills required in Mario Kart such as: using the power slide boost to gain more speed, using strategic placement of bananas to give opponents difficulty with certain corners, and learning the obstacles on each course so that heavier characters with a higher top speed can be used.
The student is also required to attend labs every Friday. During labs the student will learn the important lesson that all of the key skills they have acquired are completely useless, which will be imparted to them when they lose almost every game they play to people who have no idea what they’re doing, because so much random crap happens in Mario Kart that it’s impossible to actually be good at it.
Teacher: Your friend’s girlfriend who doesn’t even play videogames, but is way better than you at Mario Kart for some reason.
Evaluation: Students will be evaluated on their ability to lead the entire race in 1st place until the last five seconds when you get nailed with fifteen blue shells and end up coming in 7th, barely in front of the functionally retarded, computer-controlled Koopa, and way behind your little brother who drove backwards for most of the race trying to get into head-on collisions with everyone.
Grade: Before the class even starts the professor gives everyone a C, because no matter how good anyone is they’re going to lose fifty percent of the time anyways. (This also ensures a consistent mean and median grade.)
WORLD OF WARCRAFT
Syllabus: Topics include, and are limited to: ganking, getting ganked by the friends of the guys you just ganked, logging on with your 80 to gank the guys that just ganked you for ganking them, camping the graveyard to gank them as soon as they come back to life, realizing they probably went to a different graveyard, and finally ganking anyone who walks by because you’re in a bad mood now and are already logged in with your 80.
Teacher: Some guy who is constantly screaming over Ventrillo about every single mistake the healer makes during the Onyxia raid, but who hasn’t noticed that his girlfriend just left with all the furniture.
Evaluation: Students will be graded on their ability to perform incredibly mundane, repetitive tasks for hours on end in order to get a different coloured horse.
Final exam requires students to play WoW for 63 hours straight and become the first person on the server to reach 90 when the next addiction-perpetuating expansion is released.
Marks will be deducted from the final for not showing your work, incorrect grammar, saying “Leeroy Jenkins” at any time ever, and dying of caffeine and sleep deprivation-induced heart failure.
(Dean’s note: Using real money to buy gold from a Chinese gold farmer is considered a violation of the university’s academic honesty policy, and will result in an automatic failure and potential expulsion.)
Grade: A+ in grinding for more hours a week than a full-time job would require, F- at sustaining a meaningful relationship with another human being.
METAL GEAR SOLID
Syllabus: The Metal Gear Solid course is a two semester, full year course. The student will be required to memorize every character’s name and role, map the relationship-connections between each character, and understand the entire plot of the game, including each incredibly minor side-story.
The only evaluation will be a final paper, minimum 573,642 pages, single spaced, 4 point font (zero kerning.)
Teacher: Some guy who refuses to buy any console besides a PlayStation 3 and gets into arguments at parties about the quality of the PS3′s game selection. (“Every game is great” is his position.)
Evaluation: Students will be graded on their ability to endure five million straight hours of melodramatic cut scenes. Those who cannot are encouraged to enrol in the Games That Don’t Require Popcorn and a Bathroom Break course.
(Oh, it’s just a box.)
Syllabus: Prerequisites: Students must have 3 full credits in FPS-related courses, must record a B average in FPS-related courses, and must have absolutely no ability to act like a decent human while on the Internet.
Teacher: A twelve year old kid whose entire vocabulary consists of the word “noob” and a variety of pejorative terms for homosexuals.
Evaluation: Students will be graded on their ability to remember where the good weapons spawn and camp those areas.
Students are encouraged but not required to: constantly screech in a high-pitched, pre-pubescent voice if a headset is available; say as much racist stuff as possible; give themselves incredibly stupid clan tags (ie: TITS, PWNS, 8==3, etc.)
Student quit course to play Call of Duty 4 after three and a half seconds of watching a kid simulate sex on a corpse while making fart noises over the mic.
SMASH BROS. MELEE
Syllabus: Course material required: A single (1) Gamecube, four (4) Gamecube controllers, and three (3) friends who you are close enough to that your relationship with them is not ruined by the incredible hatred you feel towards them after they steal all of your kills with Marth’s fifteen foot long sword or Fox’s laser.
A graphing calculator may be useful for some of the tests.
Teacher: Your roommate who schools you with meteor smashes constantly, even when he’s using Yoshi.
Evaluation: Tests will be multiple choice and will measure the student’s knowledge of which characters are most overpowered. Bonus points for complaining about overpowered characters as much as possible.
Example: Which of these characters is most overpowered? (Using the number 2 pencil provided, choose only one)
- A) Ganondorf
- B) Captain Falcon
- C) GOD DAMMIT YOU BASTARD THAT WAS MY KILL MAN YOUR CHARACTER IS SO CHEAP ALL SHE DOES IS FIRE ROCKETS FROM ACROSS THE ENTIRE MAP AND GET FREE KILLS I HATE YOU GUYS AND WE WILL NEVER BE FRIENDS AGAIN
- D) C and A but not B
- E) D and not C unless C is the right answer
(The correct answer was F) All of the above.)
Everyone loses when a group of people get together to play Smash Bros.
KING’S QUEST 1
Syllabus: This class will focus on topics such as: being crushed by a rock 12 seconds into the game.
Required text: Rocks and Being Crushed by Them (4th edition)
Teacher: A rock (that crushes you.)
Evaluation: Students will be graded on whether or not they have been crushed by a rock.
Grade: The moving rock rolls downhill… and right into you. A crushing defeat. (A+++)
Syllabus: The student’s grade will be entirely dependant on his or her ability to chat up avatars that are definitely more attractive than the people controlling them, because this is literally the entire point of Second Life.
Teacher: A 43 year old guy named Gary who celebrates every holiday exclusively at the Casa del Gary resort that he created, where him and all his friends that he’s never met in real life hang out and wear squirrel suits.
Evaluation: The student will be graded on their ability to make plug-ins that give avatars genitalia, allow avatars to have sex, and turn avatars into giant squirrel-people. Then through some inexplicable and utterly mysterious process, the student will make money off these creations.
If a student manages to make a plug-in that gives giant squirrels genitalia and lets them have sex with each other, then the student will not need to bother with a grade because he or she will be a millionaire, somehow.
I have no idea what is even going on. How do I get the epic mount?