The New Year Linux Resolution: Day 6

The plan: Ring in the new year by switching over to Linux for a week, documenting each day of the transition.

Day 6, Hooking up with some KDE!

Other days: Day One, Day Two, Day Three, Day Four, Day Five, Day Seven

Like all domestic pairings, my long and storied relationship with Linux has had its ups and downs. Words have been said, dishes have been broken, mistakes have been made, and 1984 Dodge Caravans have had their tires slashed and then been doused in industrial-grade kerosene and set on fire. You know, the usual stuff.

So after the dust of yesterday’s indiscretions settled I made a decision: I can’t be boxed in any more. I need room to breathe. I feel so stifled sometimes, Linux, and I just have to be with myself for a while. Where’s the love we used to have so many years ago when I first asked to install you at the drive-in movie theatre?

With this in mind I’ve decided I’m going to hook up with some KDE! So come join me!

The fact of the matter is that the spark me and Ubuntu Linux used to have is gone, and I need to see some new things and experience what the world has to offer. It’s not you Linux, honestly. It’s me that’s causing all the problems.

Well, it’s me that’s causing the problems and also my computer, which refuses to cooperate with Linux in any task that’s more complex than opening a text file while rubbing its tummy. (I have no idea where my computer got a tummy. It’s a little bit disturbing, actually. Maybe that’s why it can’t get my graphics drivers working. Do tummies interfere with graphics drivers? Hm, my copy of PCs for Tummies doesn’t have a section on tummies. That’s weird. Oh wait, it says PCs for Dummies… I really should have paid more attention in grade 10 computer science class.)

Actually, scratch all that stuff about it being my fault. It’s totally just the computer’s fault. Seriously, it was all its idea. It’s such a bad influence on me. I mean, every time I tell it we’re going to the park to drink Colt 45s and set garbage cans on fire it just says, “OK.” Can you believe that!? “OK!” What an enabler it is. Always just… enabling. It should be ashamed.

So with all this in mind I’ve decided to become a Linux bachelor, put myself out onto the scene, and try to hook up with some sweet younger computers with supple graphics cards that can process some more attractive desktop effects.

My first step is to ask one of my friends if he knows any cute computers that are looking to party. He responds by asking me what the hell I’m talking about, telling me that I’m a weirdo that he never really liked hanging out with in the first place, and accusing me of a wide variety of perversions, most of which I cannot name here.

It looks like I’ll need to differ my strategy a bit, possibly towards a more standard approach that is based on the assumption that my friend doesn’t understand the narrative of my imaginary relationship with an operating system. (He’s so dense.) “Can I borrow your new computer?” I ask him. “Also, please stop dialing the police and put down the phone.”

He responds. (Nice! I got a response; I should try asking people questions that aren’t insane more often.) “Absolutely not,” he says. “And put your pants back on.” Drats! That move usually works great.

Clearly he’s a crafty one and is well prepared for my ingenious tactics. So, I make one more slight adjustment to my approach, this time away from the whole asking strategy, and towards a marginally more grab his computer and run out the door screaming “he touched me in an inappropriate manner!” strategy.

Now that I have no friends any more I have plenty of time to mack on this computer Linux-style. So I plug my Linux hard drive into it and see if I can seduce it into performing some crazy graphical effects.

To my surprise the wireless adapter and graphics card are immediately recognized in the hardware application, and they install flawlessly. Wow new computer, you do things that my old computer would never even think about doing, even if I begged!

Now that I have a functioning graphics card in Ubuntu it’s time to try installing some sexy new desktop effects. Although apparently I enjoy thinking outside of the box and taking unique approaches to this sort of thing, because I installed everything completely backwards.

My first step was to go into the Add/Remove programs and look for Compiz. The first thing I noticed was the Compiz tray icon, and thinking that it was the only Compiz app available I installed it. After messing around with it for a while and noticing that it didn’t do anything, I went back to Add/Remove program, where I found some other Compiz apps.

The next step in my wonderful plan was to install the Compiz Effects Settings manager, and then install the actual Compiz Effects tool. With these tools installed I decided to follow the Roomba method of trying to get them to work, randomly clicking on everything on the screen until I had exhausted every imaginable possibility through trial and error. After about six hours of this I noticed nothing had actually changed, so I moved on.

It was at this point that I realized that the Compiz installer mentioned something about it being designed for KDE, which is the secret code name for Kubuntu, I think. So, after a bit of looking around I figured out how to install KDE and restarted my computer.

It was in this roundabout way that I came to meet pretty little Kubuntu, with its sleak blue design and tempting desktop effects, beckoning for me to dive in and try them.

My next step is to immediately pounce on the Compiz settings manager to see what is available, where I find an overwhelming amount of different effects. But one in particular catches my eye: the jiggly window effect.

In my opinion the jiggly window is by far the most ingenious and practical of all desktop effects. I say this because I spent at least an hour grabbing windows and shaking them around like bowls full of jelly, giggling with glee at their playful, flirtatious movements. If I spent that much time with the jiggly window plugin it must be important, because I am a very important person who only spends time on important things.

Unfortunately the desktop cube and desktop wall effects don’t seem to work (maybe because I installed everything in the exact opposite of the intended order? Naw, that’s impossible.) Also, some of the effects seem to have a strange relationship with my new computer’s graphics card, because they work at incredibly high speeds and over-respond to my input.

For example, the spinning effect when I switch between different desktops rotates roughly one million-three-hundred-and-sixty-two times with one press of ctrl-alt-arrow, making my eyeballs comically spin 360 degrees inside my head if I try follow it.

But so far I’m enjoying the bachelor life with my new mistress, Kubuntu. I’ve got plenty of mind-expanding exploration and self discovery to do, and all kinds of crazy effects to cuztomize and try out. I’ve seen what life is like for users with computers that actually work with Ubuntu, and I’m never going back to the life I had with that other prudish harpy I was shackled to before.

Overall I was very impressed with KDE in Ubuntu. Not only is it a pretty nice looking desktop with some fun and neat Mac-like effects, but installing it into Ubuntu was very easy. I’ve never used an operating system before that so readily accepted modifications like Ubuntu accepted KDE, and I’ve also never seen an operating system that had mechanics built in for switching between different desktop configurations in such a straightforward way; simply selecting KDE at login did it.

I’ve also finally seen what it is like when Ubuntu just works, with no tinkering. I look forward to the days when even more hardware works in this simple way with Linux.

And that concludes today’s break up with Ubuntu and new relationship with Kubuntu! Tune in tomorrow for the stunning conclusion to my week!

Other days: Day One, Day Two, Day Three, Day Four, Day Five, Day Seven